Georgie has been sick over the weekend. We've had a horrible couple of nights and I've been getting pretty stressed. Today when Shane got home he told me to go have half and hour, so I put a leash on Chloe and we went for a walk.
As I was walking I went past my old work and I started thinking about life before Georgie. I used to be incredibly busy, days were very full. I would wake at around 6:30am and go for a walk, then start work at 8:30am, and finish at 6pm with an hour for lunch. My work was pretty energetic, as I was the Group Leader in the pre-kindy room and was in charge of 16 children. I would generally go to the gym at 6pm, and do an exercise class of some description and not be home until 7:30pm or so, when I'd cook a very easy dinner, watch television for a while and then go to bed. Most days I would also ride my bike to work and then to the gym. Shane started work at 5am and didn't get home until about 7pm. Life was pretty busy.
Now, Shane still leaves for work at around 5am. He normally gets Georgie up and brings her into bed with me, where I feed her and then she and I go back to bed until we wake, generally at around 8am. Then my days are filled with cleaning, Playgroup on Tuesdays, cleaning, coffee with friends, cleaning, groceries, cleaning.... and that's about it. I try to walk when I can, but I just seem to find it very difficult.
I don't want my old life back. I love Georgie to bits, and Shane and I see a lot more of each other and are much closer than we've ever been. But I still miss how full my days were. I long to be busy, busy, busy- constantly on the go and moving and doing. Life is much... slower, now. I don't want it to be this slow. I don't want to be as busy as I was before, but I wish I had a better balance than I do now, you know?
I can't sleep. But I'm always so tired. I just have so much trouble switching off. Many nights I can't sleep until at least midnight. I think some of that is because Georgie and I have been sleeping in lately, (partly due to the fact that we've been up in the night a lot recently due to teething and her being sick, and honestly, if you had a child who would sleep in wouldn't you?), and I know some of it is because I just enjoy the solitude of the night, when everyone's asleep and I can be alone without someone requiring something of me, but I also think some of it is because I'm just desperate to do.
I know that the busyness will come with more children. But I need to be more disciplined now. It was just so much easier when work did it for me.
Tomorrow I'm going to try to make myself wake up at 6:30am, regardless of what kind of night's sleep I had. I'm going to try to finish my Diploma in Children's services this year, and I'm going to make myself walk every day. I'm going to try. I just wish things weren't so hard.