Today things are really hard. You know what I'm finding awfully difficult at the moment? A lack of.... validation. I feel like so much of what I do is so- nothing.
I always thought that being a Mother was such an important job, and I still do think that. But it's amazing how much better the simple fact that I was being paid made me feel. It validated me. It's funny, because I always used to say that working in childcare wasn't about the money (because we were paid peanuts). And I honestly didn't think it was. But there's still something about going to work every day, talking to people about what you are doing, having people tell you what a good job you are doing, and seeing what a good job you are doing. Now, I just feel so insignificant and ineffectual. One more grain of sand on an endless beach.
Also, I was good at working in Childcare. I was good at dealing with sixteen children a day, and I really enjoyed it. I knew exactly what to do, we had a solid routine, I was in control, in charge, I took great care of those children, I could deal with problems and- I was really good at what I did. Now, I feel like I'm just doing the best I can, surviving. I just want to be good at something.
I knew, going into Motherhood, that this was not going to be easy. I thought I'd be okay because I knew better than most how hard it was going to be. It wasn't like I was unprepared. I had a sister who had 4 children, I had worked with babies, toddlers, preschoolers. I knew about kids. I knew about the sleepless nights, I knew about the difficulty of washing and cleaning and cooking. I knew that being a Mummy is a difficult, thankless task. But I didn't really know until I did it, you know?
I guess I thought I'd have more answers. Maybe I thought there was something magic about motherhood, as you gave birth all this wisdom would just magically appear... and suddenly I would be one of those hallowed fountains of knowledge 'A Mummy'. And I'd know about sick children and eating and breastfeeding and how warm should a baby be in bed..... but I didn't. In fact the further I go along in this the less I think I know.
I hate that I feel like I'm just stumbling my way along in this. I try to act like I know what I'm doing so no-one will see the cracks. But I just keep falling apart. Little, stupid things, make me feel so overwhelmed. I'm just so tired of everything and I long for a change. I'm really tired, but I can't sleep at night. It's stupid, I'll be exhausted all day, and then as night comes, I seem to get more and more alert. And so by 9pm, I'm buzzing. I generally can't sleep until at least 11pm. And I have a baby who sleeps. She sleeps really well by most standards. She's asleep right now- and I should be too. But I can't. I have to let my mind get this out.
I really don't want to admit it, but I've got this horrible fear in the back of my mind that I'm dealing with Post-Natal-Depression. And I'm just so scared of that. I don't want to go to a Doctor and be medicated. I was so sure that I'd be okay. And I don't want to depressed. And sometimes I don't think I am. I'm not sad all the time, sometimes I can still be happy and be fine. I don't want to hurt Georgie... or myself. I love her too much to do that to her, but I just feel like crap that I'm not a better Mum to her.
I've got all these great people around me that I know I could turn to- and I do... to some degree. Shane is doing the absolute best he can, and I know that. He is doing really well as a husband and a Father. But he's not the problem. I am. And I don't want people to fix this for me, or take this burden away. I want to be able to be okay with this.... But mostly I just want to sleep. Or run away. I feel like I've lost me.
It just never, ever, stops, you know? I miss having set hours, having routine, being able to stop because I've done enough. Lately I just feel like it's never enough. I'm never enough. I know I need things to get better. I want to be happier. I want to be more disciplined and more on track and in control. But the mountain just feels too big to climb at the moment. So someone, please, just tell me that things will get better. Could you please tell me that this too shall pass? Show me the light at the end of the tunnel.