Do you ever lie in bed at the end of the day, replaying the conversations you had and the things you did and said, just to make sure you didn't say anything or do anything stupid?
I don't always do it. But on days when I've been out of my comfort zone I do tend to.... check myself.
Take today for instance. I went to the baby shower of a friend. I suppose I felt a little uncomfortable to begin with because I really like this woman, but am not very close with her. To be honest I kind of felt a little odd to be invited. She is a truly lovely person, but because of life stuff we've never been super-close. So I was a little 'off' because of that. Then I managed to arrive late, so I felt uncomfortable, because there is nothing worse than walking into a room where everyone is settled, and feeling totally out of place. Plus, I wouldn't really say that there were any of my close friends at the shower. There were plenty of women who I like, and who I see often.... but they are all more acquaintances that people I can be completely myself with (if that makes sense?).
For instance, when my close friends come over, they can arrive no matter how I or the house looks. When these people come over, I make sure I look okay and I give my house the once-over first. I don't necessarily want to be like that, but it's something I can't seem to shake.
When I'm feeling a bit out of place I tend to do one of two things..... talk too much or not enough. (I'm guessing that's probably pretty common) I ended up talking to a few different ladies, but I really struggled striking up and keeping up conversations with people who I hardly knew at all.
So tonight, my mind's on rewind and replay.
I just keep running over everything that happened and everything I said and did and making sure I didn't do anything wrong. Wondering how this was perceived. Hoping nobody saw that.
This might make me sound like such an insecure person. But I really don't think of myself as insecure. I am pretty okay with me. And in my own circle I am comfortable. But when I'm out of my comfort zone I do tend to over-analyze my behaviour.
I don't even know what I hope to achieve by it. It's not like I can go back and erase things from people's memories or anything. But I just... watch myself. Judging, critiquing. I've long known that we are our own harshest critics most of the time. But it's a habit that I find hard to break.
Maybe that's why blogging holds so much appeal. You can hit save, and think about things before you let the world see it. And even in conversations on other social media platforms there is often an edit or delete button. Real life can be much trickier.
Tonight I'm trying to shut myself up. Because I know that things really aren't that important. And everybody else is busy with themselves without dwelling on me. But still, my mind's on constant replay. So tell me, am I alone, or do you do this too?