Friday, January 20, 2012
The hardest part....
Parenting is hard. I think most people can agree on that. It is beyond awesome at times, but there is also a lot of hard stuff thrown in.
The lack of sleep, feeding, disciplining.... there is so much hard. But you know what I think the hardest part I've found is?
Making a decision for your child... and not being sure that it was the best one you could have made.
Making decisions for your children is really difficult. I know there are going to be many decisions and choices I am going to have to make regarding my children. But this week is the first time when I've made a choice, a big choice with consequences my child will have to deal with, and I am not 100% certain that I made the right decision. I am terrified that I've done the wrong thing.
Most parents want the best for their kids. The decisions we make, while not always right, are almost always the choices that we think are right. Most parents always have the best intentions. But when there is a decision to make, and you are not sure what is right, what is best? That is so hard.
I am suffering from a major guilt overload at the moment. Some of it's real, but I know a lot of it is false guilt that I'm taking upon myself when I shouldn't be. I got told so many things about being a parent, but nobody ever told me how guilty I would feel.
I feel guilty. All of the time. About everything. I feel guilty when I neglect Georgie for Charlie, and vice versa. I feel guilty when I don't give Georgie healthy food to eat. I feel guilty that I'm not disciplining her as I should be- I seem to be letting so many thing slide lately. I feel guilty that I don't play with Georgie enough. I feel guilty that I let Charlie cry at times because I just can't get to him.
I feel guilty that my house just seems so filthy. I feel terrible that I'm not being the wife I want to be. I feel guilty when I spew forth the crazy at my husband, or lose my temper with my toddler. I feel so guilty that I just can't seem to cope and am constantly calling in for reinforcements. I should be able to cope, shouldn't I? After all it was my choice to have children. They are my responsibility, it's my job to care for them.
I think I need to take a breath. And remember it's only been two and a half weeks since I had a baby. I think it feels like it has been so much longer because these past two weeks have been so jam-packed, and Charlie seems like such a big boy. He is so alert and awake already, plus he is the size Georgie was at 6 weeks.
I just need to remember that really, I am doing okay. My kids are healthy and safe. My house may not be the cleanest its ever been, but it's not terrible either. It was always going to be hard. Parenting is not an easy job. And I always told myself that the first few months are all about survival. Things are really not that bad, I'm sure.
I just need to get a little perspective. And sleep.
Linking up with Glowless for Flog Yo Blog Friday.