This is going to be brutally honest post. But I'm hoping it needs to be read because I sure need to write it.
People rarely admit that they have a favourite child. But they do. I know I do anyway. Fortunately the favour seems to swap and change. A few weeks ago, Georgie was hard work, and Charlie was such a delightful little snugglepot.
But this week? Oh, this week. I don't like Charlie. I just don't want to be around him, plain and simple.
I'm not sure whether maybe he's teething, or there is a nasty germ lurking somewhere that is making him feel bad. But I have a sneaking suspicion that he is just 18 months old. And he is finding life very frustrating right now. But, goodness me is he ever frustrating to deal with!
This morning, he woke up, and he smiled for two seconds, and then he whinged. He whinged because he fell over, he whinged because he couldn't get the door open, he cried when his sister reached something he couldn't, and then he roared when he got put in time out because he hit her out of sheer frustration. He whinged in time out, and then he whinged just because, before noticing I was making breakfast. Then he whinged and whinged and whinged at me, because obviously if he lets me know just how badly he wants breakfast, it will come faster. All before 8am.
I am so, so, weary of him right now.
I love him, so much. I do. I would run into a burning building to save him, I would take a bullet for him, I would develop super human strength and pull a car off him. I would. But living with him, dealing with him, being kind to him.... without losing my will to live? That requires a whole new level of love. One that I just don't always have the capacity for.
Yesterday was a bad day. Yesterday saw me wailing uncontrollably on the floor, after I lost my temper badly and shouted and raved and ranted, before unceremoniously dumping him in his cot so I didn't hurt him.
The problem is, this has been building for a while. He has been, for whatever reason, just difficult for a few weeks now. When he behaves this way, he needs extra love and extra kindness. People who are the most unlovable generally seem to need the most love. But after a prolonged period of unlovable-ness. I'm all tapped out. And then, I end up getting super-sensitive to his yucky behaviour, and I jump on him, for things that really shouldn't bother me. So I get more and more stressed and tired of him, and he senses it and needs me even more.... because he just wants to be loved! It's a vicious cycle that can be really hard to get out of.
I just don't have any cope left.
I need to draw on the strength of the One who is much, much kinder than me.
I will get through today, one tantrum, one wail at a time. When I want to scream and shout and cry and just run away..... I am going to pray, and pray, and pray. I am going to sing, and worship, and cry out to the only One who can grant me enough patience, and peace and love. I am going to do my best to love Charlie, as He loves me. And when my love is not enough, I trust He will make up the difference.
I need thee, oh, I need thee, every hour I need Thee
I need thee, I need thee, I need Thee every hour